True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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