I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
my being single is dangerous.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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