I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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