Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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