Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
where does the pee come out of this thing
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Will exercising make me less horny?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize