life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
he told me I talked like a deaf person
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
