My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
