her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
