I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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