I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize