I wish I could teleport
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize