i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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