I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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