i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Randomize
