I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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