at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
