Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
