Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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