new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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