Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
