I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
