When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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