My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
