At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
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