This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
