I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
