im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
