My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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