god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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