New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
