neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
