I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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