It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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