In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
