Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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