You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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