Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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