Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
