he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
