Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
