Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
