Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
