Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
