I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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