He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
