the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
