if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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