I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
