my vag is so smooth its legendary
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
