When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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