her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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