she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
