when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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