Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
